had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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