There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
