Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
