Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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