I think I died a long time ago.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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