Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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