I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
