she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
