I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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