hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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