you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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