It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
