I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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