I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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