Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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