listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
