No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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