Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So squirting runs in the family.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
