I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
