yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
