Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
