dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
