There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
