At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
