My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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