There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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