Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We are two peas in an std pod
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
