I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I touched a dick in church today
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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