Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize