god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
