Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
