I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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