Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
