My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
