i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
