and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just found puke in my bra..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
