Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
