Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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