Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize