Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
