we have pet lesbian snakes
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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