I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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