Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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