ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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