And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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