I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
