Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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