I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No subtext here. People are naked.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
