You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
