It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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