If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
