once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
