FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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