actually, I'm a sock model
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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