After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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