Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i out mim tonsoeep
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize