Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Just pee around me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
