You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
