I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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