TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
